I miss the holy week at home.... but

It can be considered as one of our family traditions for lent. From the time I can remember as a kid and even before I was able to grasp what is happening around me, I was there for the holy week. I get to know them by looking at analogue photographs and some are already fading out since they are more than two decades old. As I heard, even before I was born and and when my mom was a kid, they went there. When there was no vehicle at that period of time, they used bullock carts. Hence I see this as a family tradition. But I miss that this time. I am unable to go there. Now it has been declared as a national shrine(Thalawila, Sri Lanka). I wish all of them to find time to get closer to Lord.

Sometimes I wish I have the belief of my father. It is not a shame for me to admit that I am not that strong. To believe in Almighty's providence. I know we did not have any savings. But we were never short of anything. It is true that even though there were plenty of opportunities to get every possible luxurious comforts given the background. Sometimes I was frustrated. What the hell I can not be such rich or something. But when I look back and see on this Holy Thursday, my dad is right. I heard when I was small the saying.. "seek ye first his righteousness and then all these things shall be added unto to you..." . It is no shame to admit that sometimes I was hoping that from the righteousness of my father, Lord will grant me this and that. I also wasn't a lost one though. But I was not thinking enough and spending enough time with Lord to call him my best friend. I always wanted to say that but never tried hard enough. I may have thinking of taking that for granted.

It is absolutely wondrous how Jesus works through my life, our lives. I remember when I was there at Thalawila for the holy week last year, I desperately asked from Jesus one thing. I know or I might know asking and getting is not the relationship we want to have with Jesus. I asked him, Lord please let me be somewhere next year studying for my dreams I had from many years and that I may not be here for the next year. And I believe now he has listened to my prayers and I am not there this year. How I came here after all is also a miracle like thing. I do not want to talk about it now. Yet I was not having a good relationship with him for a while.

Suddenly for the last couple of weeks, I was hopeless for some reasons. And I said to Fr. also that I want to have a good relationship with Jesus and I think it was not happening. I was forgetting that whatever happens, he is there for me. But I was not searching for him. I was thinking, oh he is there and it is alright. I do not know how this happened, and I was thinking about him for the past couple of days. May be I was missing the holy week back at home but most importantly I am getting into the right way.

Accidentally it happened to me to watch Passion of the Christ these days. It reminded me how Jesus is there for me. And I was wondering how great his personality is. I do not know how to explain. I wish this will not be instant feeling. As I look back, I had these periodic changes in my life. When I was somewhat distant from Jesus, somehow he brings me in. Am I that worthy Lord??? I do not know. When you are close to him, there is a feeling yes, he is with me. A different kind of joy. The challenge is to keep it going and continue. He gives us enormous opportunities to make use of them to come to him. But I am busy with other work. But at least, I should try. How wonderful it will be when you have a true friend by your side who really cares about you. When you feel I have nothing to worry, he will take care of me. Whether it is good or bad, it is alright. I think my dad has this feeling. But I do not. But I want to. I want to Lord......


(this article may not be well written as I did not attempt to do so. I just wrote what came into my mind after coming home today from the church (Holy Thursday) )

Its hard to believe in people.....

"An intelligent person learns more from one rebuke than a fool learns from being beaten a hundred times." - Proverbs 17:10

When I heard "the news", I somehow randomly looked at the Holy Bible and this quote showed up. Actually it matches for what I was thinking. It is hard to Believe in People these days. We never know who are they and what are they? Because I cannot expect all the others to be the same as me. Yea, it is the fact. There isn't many people around us who learns from mistakes and be vise. Hence there are more fools around.

My mom told me this week, one day that one person we know has committed suicide. Oh.. it was full of surprise. He has been married to a really nice lady. Sometimes may be too nice. May be not compatible with the society. But that does not have anything to do with what has happened. And I asked mom, what has happened??? In fact, he has wasted millions of property and finally committed suicide. He seemed to have illegal marriages around the country. And eventually it came out that one day (actually on his wedding day as I remember what was told) one of his married ladies saw him with the woman related to us whom I am talking about. It seemed like he has given some money to keep her mouth shut in front of others to hide the fact that he has many women. I also heard that her father passed away of a heart attack after some time when this incident happened. I couldn't imagine how you feel when you have been betrayed. In fact I may understand.

Finally he ended his life by himself. Which in any case I not recommend. Because my life does not belong to me. At the funeral, there were some country men seen and one asked "hey where are you from and what are you doing here?" because it seemed odd to have that kind of people in the midst of other relatives. Then they have said that they are his cousins. They are construction workers. And the person of this funeral is said to be a "lawyer". What has happened is he has acted well in his own drama. He has named him self as a lawyer even though he himself is a construction worker. The village people from where he is from also believed he is a lawyer as he used to leave for work in the evening with a brief case and attire of a lawyer. Even the lady's party couldn't figured out until this moment that he in fact is not a lawyer. This is the closest incident to my surroundings that has happened something like this. How on earth I am going to believe this?

This leaves me with the conclusion that I will never understand people and never. The best I can do is to have an idea. In some cases even that is not possible. I now understand why my Dad used to say that the marriage or love is a sacrifice than any other thing. ....... .... ... .

Ash Wednesday........

Today is the starting day of the season of lent. We call it Ash Wednesday. This will be the first Easter I will be having out of Sri Lanka for the first time in my life. The context is changed but not the intentions or willingness to go to mass. Since it has been now over 9 months I am getting used to live here. For me, Ash Wednesday is a starting period of time which will give me some time to think about the way I live and my relationship with GOD. Even though I do not take advantage of the season as much as I would have imagined still it is good for a change in my life. As Father ed. mentioned during the sermon today, Jesus asked us to fast without letting others know and also not to show off. But today, we come out from the church saying that we are Christians by having a cross marked on out forehead. Why do we do this? May be just to symbolize that we were made from dust and we indeed turn into dust and to live our life remembering that. Not to b the center of the universe (a quote Fr. Ed always say :) ).

And again I feel strange. Some people do not want to be close to GOD or whatever they believe. Some have loads of stuff to do. But luckily I did not have much of a work today. But I am sure that even if I had heap of work, still I will go to church today. That indeed is one of many good things I learned from my parents. One may think going to church does not work but I say it helps. One can be at home and do all the good things, be good and everything. But again we need to connect with the GOD. So we have this opportunity in the mass. If I am not doing well in life then there should be a place for me to keep reminding me the good values. At least that opportunity is there if I go to church. I alone can not be the GOD but I can be with him.

Ash Wednesday actually brings hope. The hope of eternal life and hope with GOD. It is because why the hell I want to live this life if I am definitely going to be turned into dust at the end. But with the dust there is something more. The hope of rising again. And with the hope, may this be a peaceful and meaningful season of lent......

lonely

Oh Lord, why do I feel so lonely sometimes. Season of Lent is around the corner. It feels like good time to have a close relationship with you. Help me Lord in my day to day life and hold me tight.

It has been almost a year now since I came here (around 9 months) and I should thank GOD for giving me what I have asked for. When I think, I lived over 2 decades in Sri Lanka and it felt home. I haven't stayed outside even when I was going to University and I used to travel everyday which was extremely tiresome when considering the conditions we had in Sri Lanka compared to USA. It is like a dream now. Whereas here everything is standardized and easy. I remember I also traveled everyday for work for over a year and when I reach the place I was half done for the day. I was used to that. I remember when the day is to end, I was thinking when I will be going home, in which train, if it gets late to leave the office how am I going to go home, etc all because I used to travel home everyday having to spend 1 1/2 hours one way in a train or bus. But I did not want to stay out of home even given those circumstances.

I have the changed the location I live now. Living far away from home. I feel everything is changing now. Getting used to conditions here. The city I live in now feels like "local" and Sri Lanka "foreign". Its strange. very strange. It doesn't mean that I do not want to go to Sri Lanka. The way I feel the environment is changing. Sometimes its scary. It all depend on your personality and desires and what do you want to do in your life. But I am not good at taking decisions about life. I hesitate.

Changes like this in life needs some guidance steer life into good directions. Decisions I take will either do good in future or the other way. Anyway it will definitely change the present and future. In which way it yet to find out.

hard to believe how he works through us

Last month about 7 young people at the campus church began following footsteps of Jesus. as Fr. Ed said, it is hard to believe that these days people start to believe in Jesus where it seems like people lost faith and hope in him. Some are shy to believe and accept him, some have many other work than doing these things, some do not mind and some think they know and do not want to believe, etc. In fact in a country like USA, its very hard to believe that the number is still growing. It never matters how many follow him in numbers but he keeps on adding many closer to him. They may have different reasons to come along this way but in the end GOD has worked through their lives. It somewhat amazes me...

My life has been going through many different paths and when I look back I never understand how, why and what happened. I do not feel lonely when I think he is guiding me. But I do not know whether I am doing alright. But I believe that I am doing alright in him. And I want to....

Chicken Wings!

Last Monday I had a chance to have a dinner out. It was a chicken wings night! It seemed like that shop has discounts (half price) on Mondays for chicken wings. Even though I had some work and scheduled event, I went on to taste so called delicious chicken wings. And they were tasty..!

While we were enjoying the stuff, there was a discussion on "Is there a GOD really or its just some kind of power source?". One side was debating that there cannot be GOD and its just people's imaginations and they realized some events happened in past related to GOD. The other side counter-argued that it cannot be and there is GOD. One of the dangerous and humorous arguments about this is that one said even Jesus could have been not dead but in a Coma and then rose some time back. Some facts related to magicians that he (person who told) has seen. About GOD, it could be just the power source. If there is GOD why there is Satan? Why cannot he defeat him and let there be only good on this earth or universe. Some wanted everything to be scientifically proven...!

Hmmmm.... I cannot answer all these. But I believe there is THE GOD. Not every other God but almighty God that I believe. For me its all about believing. Going to prove all things scientifically is absolute MADNESS. What do we know after all to prove anything? Do we know everything? When some get to learn and quite educated, they try to prove everything to believe. But for me there are things you cannot prove. As for a simple question when you think alone, can you explain why you are on this earth and what is the purpose of living and what is the meaning of living? When think alone like this there are things that we cannot explain or imagine.

I also have doubts about some things and its natural for humans. But it is very disastrous to think or insult GOD and especially the Holy Spirit and it is written "every other sin may be forgiven but not against the Holy Spirit". My religion is my belief. Its my experience. I experience GOD everyday. I feel like he's with me. And if I don't feel it that means I am not that strong. I want to feel like he is with me. I cannot explain or argue about my experience to be the same for others. I have to experience GOD and I cannot argue about that.!